Expecting.

Expectant.  Expecting.  Heavy.  Gone.  Merriam-Webster’s dictionary includes all of these as synonyms for the word “pregnant.”  From the moment we decided to adopt, after literally years of thinking about adoption and praying about timing, I have felt definitively pregnant.  Expectant.  Expecting.  Heavy.  Gone.  (I have no idea why "gone" is a synonym, but for me it fits.  Piles of laundry testify to that feeling of being "gone" as I have to literally pull myself away from adoption blogs, other people’s “Gotcha” videos and anything remotely related to Ethiopia.) Everything within me is so heavy with this adoption that I can hardly stand it.  I feel so giddy to think of this new life (or possibly lives) that will become a part of our family.  That expectant joy reminds me so much of my physical pregnancies, as I did my best to memorize, “What to Expect when You’re Expecting” and felt drawn to every single pregnant mama mag under the sun.

But here’s an emotion I was not prepared for.  Grief.  Ever since we decided to adopt, the Lord has been leading me gently through a period of grief that rather surprised me.  It is intense and real.  And it literally brings me to my knees, which I suppose is the point.  I am grieving those precious early days, weeks, and months of my baby’s life that I will have no control over.  I remember the sweetness of my other children’s newness and those early days of nursing and bonding, the experience of meeting every need as quickly as I could and knowing that was so very important.  It breaks my mama heart to know that I will miss these things.  This brokenness though has led me to pray very specific prayers for our child and the precious biological mother whose grief mine cannot match.  I wish she knew that spiritually, her own heavy heart is felt by me, at least in part, half-way around the world.  I pray for her and ask the Holy Spirit to intercede when I don’t know how.

I am already praying for our baby, maybe not yet created.  I pray that God would fill our child with His perfect love from the moment of conception.  That our baby’s spirit would be protected from a spirit of rejection or abandonment—that our baby would know, even before he is born, that he is very much wanted and loved, by God and by his mommy and daddy, sisters and brother in Winchester, Virginia who are waiting eagerly to bring him home.

Expectant.  Our hands open wide to the journey and to a precious life in need of a family.  We are trusting Jehovah God to provide for all of our needs and the needs of our children and future child (ren).  We would love for you to walk along with us in our journey!  (This will be the Longest. Pregnancy. Ever.)  Your prayers are cherished by us!!!!!